Last week I had the sad occasion to perform a funeral for a lovely young lady that gave up on life to soon. She was known for her enthusiasm for life and bubbly personality. Her family and friends said of her that she never met a stranger! And yet, behind her winsome personality and zest for life was a deep feeling of despair. She was struggling with a messy separation and divorce and had finally reached the point of letting hope go. For those of us at her graveside it was an emotionally difficult experience to process, especially as we witnessed her dear mother burying her only beloved child. It was a dark day. All who knew and loved her were seeking some word of hope or ray of light within the darkness of that moment.
How easy it is to feel on top of the world somedays, and, then, to suddenly find ourselves at the bottom of a dung heap a few days later. It happens to good people everyday all around us. It may even be happening to you right now.
At Richmond’s First Baptist Church we are currently hosting our Fall Divorce Recovery Workshop with approximately 120 participants who now find themselves walking through ‘the valley of the shadow of death’. Overwhelmed by grief and loss of hope these participants are seeking to find ways to begin again. It is not easy journey when your relationship crashes and you are trying to sort out exactly what happened. In addition, some of the people you hoped you could count in your time of despair have left the neighborhood. Only God knows why? But, it is during these times of abandonment and nakedness that courage can be borne anew. Part of becoming stronger is the ability to forgive oneself as well as the other person. There is a saying in our Divorce Recovery Workshop from Jim Smoke, author of Growing through Divorce, ”In divorce you always get custody of yourself.” Learning to take responsibility for one’s own failures and shortcomings is one of the keys to emotional and spiritual well-being. It requires courage to admit your failures and acknowledge one’s own shame that often binds you.
One of the many reasons I am not an atheist, as popular as that belief may be today, is because of the person of Jesus. People may not like some Christians, and maybe even for good reasons. But they can hardly find any fault with Jesus. The more I become aware of the beliefs of other religious systems, the more I love and value the way Jesus related to all kinds of people. If one is able to strip away some of the sloppy agape that is dished out by some in our Christian religious culture, one might be surprised to discover the freshness and radical love of God through Christ. Recently, Franciscan priest and writer, Richard Rohr, captured a sense of hope for me in one of his daily devotionals:
“Christians indeed have a strange image of God: a naked , bleeding man, dying on a cross. It is not what you would think the image of God could be or should be. Is God eccentric here, or is it we who have not diagnosed the human situation correctly?
Jesus receives our hatred and does not return it. He suffers and does not make the other suffer. He does not first look at changing others, but pays the price of change within himself. He absorbs the mystery of human sin rather than passing it on. He does not use his suffering and death as power over others to punish them, but as power over others to transform them. He includes and forgives the sinner instead of hating him, which would only continue the pattern of hate. Amazing that people cannot see that! It is interesting that Jesus identifies forgiveness with breathing (John 20:22-23), the one thing that you have done constantly since you were born and until you die. He says forgiveness is like breathing. Forgiveness is not apparently something God does; it is who God is. God can do no other.”
—adapted from Hope Against Darkness, by Richard Rohr
Perhaps if this young lady had been able to find her way to our Divorce Recovery Workshop or some other support group the outcome of her life might have been different. She might have discovered a future with hope. During last week’s funeral service one of her friends stood up and asked what lessons can we learn from this tragic loss of our dear friend? The response from the back of the room, “Maybe after this service today we should go home and call someone who needs to know that they are loved and valued!” That would be one good way we could honor the memory of our dear friend.
Is there someone who needs to hear from you today?
Grace and forgiveness always,
Ralph Starling
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